Captain Marvel is the story of Carol Danvers. A steely nerved, air force pilot who has been trying to "fit in" her entire life. After barely surviving a horrible crash, Danvers awakens on a technologically advanced planet where she is told a false story about her place in the Universe. Although she has continuous quick hits of frayed emotionalized memories from her past, the pieces never form a completed picture of Who She Really Is. Now a member of a galactic group of Noble Warrior Heroes called Starforce, Danvers crash lands on planet Earth and embarks on a spiritual transformation of self discovery.
“My name is Carol Danvers. Ever since I was a little kid, I didn’t fit in. See, I always wanted to fly. Have you ever seen a little girl run so fast she falls down? There's an instant, a fraction of a second before the world catches hold of her again... A moment when she's outrun every doubt and fear she's ever had about herself and she flies. In that one moment, every little girl flies. I need to find that again. Like taking a car out into the desert to see how fast it can go, I need to find the edge of me... And maybe, if I fly far enough, I'll be able to turn around and look at the world... And see where I belong.”
FROM MARVEL STUDIOS: Captain Marvel
There have been many periods of my life in which I felt I never "fit in." Check that; most of my life I've felt I never really belonged. In High School, rather than sneaking out of my parents basement to go join my friends, who were out playing drinking games, I would stay at home by mySELF. I worked at our local Blockbuster and spent all my weekend nights alone, devouring films. (gi-normous surprise, right?!) Sometimes three or four a night! After a while, the weekend invitations to join my brothers in drinking arms just stopped. And, ya know what?! I really didn't care. Because THAT just wasn't me. At the time, I still wasn't sure "Who I was," but I did know I felt a heavenly haven with just my movies, thoughts and selected silence. Times spent outside of this conscious comfort were fraught with daily excursions to the "Phantom Zone."
I was six feet tall and so skinny I had to "dance in the shower" just to get wet. lol (I suffered from severe crohn's disease that was left completely unchecked until I was a senior in High School. It kept me from putting on any quantifiable weight, not to mention the agonizing pain and suffering from a digestive tract filled with bleeding ulcers. Ugh, I know!)
My face was plastered with thick, nerdy glasses, not to mention the braces with full on headgear and rubber bands. I was pretty much the poster boy for condoms! lol And my Mexican heritage stayed stagnate in the middle of white breaded suburbia. Unfortunately, I was often bullied mercilessly by other kids who were not used to seeing anyone without some shade of blonde/brown hair and blue/green eyes.
Ironically, their vitriolic vessel of choice was a poorly imitated "Indian Accent." One particularly mean spirited chap's daily retort upon seeing me, "Oh my God, here comes Jeff Martinez. He thinks he is being Gandhi today!" To which I would always shoot back, "I'm Mexican dude. NOT Indian. Please, if you are going to tease me, at least get the voice right." (I've always been a stickler for details!)
I never went on a single date. As a senior in High School, my dad approached me with 3 crisp $100.00 bills. (that was a lotta dough back in the mid-80's) "Jeff, all you have to do is ask. Just ask a girl to prom, and all the money you need is right there," he told me one warm April evening. I remember staring down at the bounty of loot before me. I looked him straight in the eye before declaring, "I would love to put that money toward college next year. But, there is no way I'm going to prom!"
His voice softened before intently inquiring, "Are you gay son?" I wasn't too surprised by his inquisition. After all, I had never even kissed a girl at age 18, much less been out on a single date. But of all the emotional, spiritual, and physical challenges I faced on a daily basis, being gay was NOT one of them. "No, pop. I'm not gay. I'm just trying to stay focused," I shared my truth back to him. I have my sneaking suspicions he didn't believe me.
And that's a father's prerogative. It just wasn't mine! (after I started dating in college, I knew his beliefs shifted 180 degrees)
I actually had a huge crush on a girl who was two years my senior in High School. Tina B! It was literally as though God walked to the edge of heaven, sliced a perfect piece off and gently blew. And that piece fell down to Earth and become the wondrous girl of my still young dreams! Alas, the one time I had tried to converse with a gorgeous young lady in my school, one of the rubber bands awkwardly wrapped around the metal junket in my mouth popped off! And literally jettisoned like a small rocket ship straight onto her cheek. Felt like slow motion to me. "Nooooooooooo," my inner monologue raced, nearly as quickly as the beat of my heart! Having to peel that off her face was a "Humble Heaven" sent task of not so epic proportions. But it made my personal therapist RICH! And pretty much summed up my entire dating life in four years of hellish High School! Just sayin.' ;0)
Little did I know, all of these "opportunities for growth" would serve the future me in the most extraordinary of ways. Although emotionally punishing at times, they were all searing my Inner Super Hero with strength, fortitude, humility, and a burning desire to lovingly serve others. A desire that has since morphed into my personal Master Mission! A Wounded Healer who seeks only the blessed opportunity to assist in changing this World! To be a spiritual teacher, mentor, coach, guide, and friend to nudge others from their slumber. Shining my bright light, earned through much personal suffering and strife, to BE lit at all times. So the Spirits on this planet can find a path out of their own dark and troubled times; towards the re-membrance that they have a Super Heroic Higher Self. A helping hand showing them that a life "still stuck in hell" is not a permanent state. Just the byproduct of all the expansive growth their Soul came here to experience. One breathe at a time!
Because the truth of it all is this; none of us feel as though we "fit in." Fitting in was never part of our collective plan. Instead, we were meant to "stand out!" And that uneasiness you sometimes feel in the pit of your aching gut was placed there for a Super Reason. So that you would continue yearning to create a brand new world; in which one size does fit all. Where we embrace one another with reverence, grace, and a love filled heart. Where weirdness rules and we are all honored for our uniqueness. Not shunned because of it!
Just as Carol Danvers slowly discovered that she had a bad ass Inner Superhero, so shall you have the same revelation. If not NOW, then very soon! I promise! For our collective mission here on Earth is grand. But we have all been blessed with super powers even grander! And as the forrest does become a clear VISION, even through the proverbial trees, we will eventually meet at the exact place everyone agreed upon. It's this magical space called LOVE! And it's a place where "Prom Dates" happen all the time!
BE SUPER HEROIC!
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
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