My family laid my father to rest eight years ago after his VALIANT fight with cancer. One of the greatest decisions I ever made was taking time off from my career to assist in his daily care regimen. What started out as a tumor in his nasal cavity, eventually found its way to his brain. You may hear stories about the effects of this disease, but until you witness a loved one battle it on a daily basis, you simply cannot fathom the all encompassing and oppressive wrath of nature it brings to everyone involved in its wake. NASTY...EVIL... SOUL CRUSHING stuff!
And as a caretaker, each and every day becomes an opportunity to learn the importance of managing your expectations. Learning to orchestrate and accept what may come in the kaleidoscope of daily chaos is truly the determining factor in withstanding the momentous task at hand. To further cement this point, let's just say projectile vomiting, daily trips to emergency rooms, and fainting spells that block entrances to popular establishments became commonplace. Feel me?!
In fact, there is one particular story during this Journey that still stands as the most MEMORABLE, not to mention most powerful example of the importance of managing our daily expectations and accepting life as it occurs!
My dad needed to have the entire right side of his face surgically removed in order to access the lemon sized tumor that had invaded his nasal cavity. Bone was taken from his left leg to rebuild his cheek to create relative semblance of his face's pre-surgery form. However, in the process, a new throat path was implemented for breathing and eating purposes. As you can imagine, at his mature age, it took months of daily physical therapy for him to ‘re-learn’ how to swallow properly. Doing so incorrectly would cause remnants to enter his lungs and not his stomach. Serious stuff!
His medical team put him on a grueling daily schedule that included just about anything and everything you could think a mouth and jaw could withstand, sans my dad's favorite passion of eating. I mean nothing, nada, zilch in the food department for over three months. Of course he was being fed through his IV lines, but let's be truthful, that does NOT a full belly make! So I made him a promise. I told him then the moment his doctors cleared him to finally delve back into the world of culinary delight, I would personally bring him whatever his blessed heart desired!
Several weeks later, I received a call from the hospital one early morning. It was my Pop, and from the ebullient sound of his voice, I just knew he had been cleared for full swallowing!! What I hadn't prepared myself for was the exhaustive list of various tasty treats he had his sights set on gobbling down. In fact, here is the full list: Pancakes from the local diner, a Wendy's hamburger and fries, a chocolate shake, a whipped frap AND a regular coffee from Starbucks, jello, and “any kind of pie you can get your paws on Jeff”. OK! A promise is a promise.......
After the nearly two hour trek to actually procure all the items on his wish list, I finally made my way to hospital and I now know what Santa Claus must feel like. My father's eyes lit up like it was his first Christmas as I slowly removed one piece of food after another from the giant bag I had brought. It took two tables to set up the entire spread, and once I was finished, I looked him straight in the eye.
“Are you sure you are ready for all this, Pop,” I inquired. He was much too busy scouring the buffet tables before him to give me eye contact back. But he nodded his head in a resounding YES fashion!
And just then, the Crohn's disease that sometimes causes me urgent need for a ‘bathroom break’ hit. And HARD! I decided to throw proverbial caution to the windpipe, and ran straight for the toilet. Until......relief!! But I soon heard a most disconcerting sound. I am known to make some interesting bathroom music, but this was....different. Nervously, I KICKED open the bathroom door, to see my father horribly choking in his chair! His face was already turning blue!! I immediately flung off the sweatpants and underwear that were still down around my ankles and ran back into his room, now NAKED from the waist down. Yeah, I'm not kidding!!
There was a huge bed next to the chair where he had been eating, so I jumped up on it and grabbed my dad by his waist to start giving him the heimlich maneuver. In between each shrug, I yelled for help toward the nurse's office with the room number where this..ummm...incident was occurring!
One after another, nurses and doctors filled the room (nine in all), and jaws dropped each time at what they were witnessing. Here was a HALF NAKED Mexican on a bed, shaking the hell out of a 65 year old man, bouncing up and down like a tryout for Cirque de Soleil! Until.....POOOOOFFFF!! The piece of food lodged in my dad's throat shot out across the room literally sticking to the wall several feet away. I slowly, and gently put him down to rest in the bed. The now somewhat emotionally scarred medical professionals in witness to this EVENT, rushed to my father's side as I slowly backed away.
Thank GOD, he was just fine!! It was ME who then needed help. The emotional charge of what had just happened starting to wear off, I remembered, I was still buck naked in a room full of strangers. Aye Dios Mio!
Thankfully, the entire room started applauding my efforts, as I jaunted back to the bathroom where my PRIDE still resided. Now YOU tell ME! Could even my wildest expectations ever have conjured or even prepared me for the experiences that day brought?! No way, Jose! And guess what, although none of them nearly as bizarre as that day's, the Journey our entire family fought for over a year, trying to battle this cursed disease, brought dozens of unexpected delays, trauma, and scares. We were initially told my dad's surgery and recovery process would be six weeks. He didn't even WAKE UP from surgery for almost two months. Looking back, I believe our biggest saving grace was learning to accept the ISNESS of our daily battles. Through the lens of rear view perspective, the culmination of these experiences, albeit painful, costly and challenging, were also incredibly powerful lessons in how much our expectations play a role in determining how we deal with life. Had we each conjured our own personal expectations for this year long roller coaster of a ride, it would have destroyed our emotional fortitude. Expectations are NO THING more than premeditated resentments! Please DO NOT let them be the author of the majority of the pain and suffering in your life. Instead, remember that Katherine Hepburn said, “Love has nothing to do with what you expect to get-only what you are expecting to give.”
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
