“See this guy here staring back at you? THAT's the toughest opponent you are ever going to have to face. I believe that's true in the ring, and I think that's true in life. ”
Rocky Balboa from CREED
A few years ago, while taking some classes toward a leadership coaching certification, I had quite an impactful experience that I still use to help me re-frame my own ‘inner critic’. Who needs enemies when our own MONKEY MIND insists on taunting us with thoughts of blame, guilt, regret, and self-hatred, often with a big, heaping side order of worthlessness. And as that day's class was soon to me show, we are truly all ONE in this experience that causes so much anxiety, depression, and pain. Not to mention how it blocks us from the healing LOVE we need to move forward in our lives..................
After our mid-day lunch break, our class of roughly 30 seated students were each given a stack of cards with various short phrases written on the back of each one. We were instructed to pick the ONE card that best exemplified the way we felt about ourselves most of the time. You have to remember this was an extrapolation of people who were all on an active path toward self growth, many of us having spent years, if not DECADES, on a quest for the specialized knowledge that would allow us to coach and train others on becoming the ‘greatest version’ of themselves.
The phrases on the cards ran the emotional scale from ‘I Am Love’ to ‘Work in Progress’. Once we all had our card picked, we were told to stand up, and with its message facing forward, held in front of our chest, start mingling with one another. One by one, we stood up. Suddenly, a raucous set of laughs started erupting from one side of the room to the other. With over 20 different messages that each member in the group was free to choose from, ALL but five of us picked the EXACT SAME CARD. That card read...... NOT GOOD ENOUGH !!
I will NEVER forget the divine feeling of oneness I felt in that moment. Oh, I laughed my ass off like the rest, but my soul was shedding tears of joyful connection. Up until that moment, I had often been afraid to admit the intensity of my own MONKEY MIND. How controlling, suffocating, and idea crushing it could be. But as I looked around that room, and saw nearly everyone holding up that card, with its illusionary message, all I could see was beings of perfection. Even if THEY could not see it in themselves. How could they not see that in themselves?! Why could I often not see it in myself?!
Since then, I have come to understand that radical self compassion is like most everything else of great value, a PROCESS. Our capacity for self compassion is not unlike a muscle. It must be trained, honed, and cared for with patience and love. Here are 4 TIPS for practicing self compassion that have made an enormous change in helping me keep my inner critic just the way I like him, Supah Silent :
1. Feel your feelings, then let them GO.
When you suppress your feelings, in reality you are quelling a spiritual lesson that is trying to emerge for your highest good. Your inner critic is going to get on stage and grab the mic(he/she LOVES attention) when something triggers you no mater how much work you've done on yourself. By allowing yourself to fully FEEL the emotions this brings up, you may just find that there is some light being shown on issues where attentive love still needs to be applied. The key is to make sure you DO NOT make a 'broadway show' out of your feelings. Nobody wants to buy a ticket to feelings you are holding onto that no longer serve you anymore!
2. Meditate
When my Monkey Mind is causing me all kinds of chaos, the most powerful tool I know for calming the noise is through meditation. If you don't currently practice meditation, NOW may be a great time to start. There are some fantastic programs that are free online (Oprah and Deepak Chopra offer one a couple of times per year) if you don't know where to start. By simply going within during meditation, you can reconnect with Spirit and re-member that you are a unique emanation of God, perfect and whole in every way. As you get better at meditative practice, you will begin to carry that FEELING of being whole and worthy out of your meditation, and INTO the rest of your day. Just be patient with the process, my meditations are STILL a work in progress. ;0)
3. Realize that you are NOT your thoughts
The arch enemy of your 'inner critic' just may be the watchful observer.
When those thoughts of worthlessness and doubt arise, try this little trick. Close your eyes, and visualize yourself in a room, alone with JUST THE THOUGHTS that are causing you trouble. See how you are completely SEPARATE from them in the room. Do not judge the thoughts, or allow yourself to become anxious around them. You are simply an OBSERVER. It may take some time to achieve this space. Thats OK. Simply breathe ...one ...breath... at a... time.Once you are in a place of calm, address the thought/thoughts.
“Thank you for coming. I appreciate you shedding light on the places I still need work. But now, please GO! You are NOT a part of me. And I am NOT a part of you."
You can repeat a mantra that works for you(feel free to experiment until you find something that really resonates) again and again. Visualize these thoughts slowly evaporating back into the ether from which they came. You may be laughing, but TRY it! By seeing yourself as separate from the thoughts through the power of your watchful observer, their grip on your psyche is truly lessened.
4. Choose your TRIBE carefully
The number one thing I hear from people is how they have no control over their lives. For the most part, that is true. We do not live in a vacuum, and many facets of our experiences are completely beyond our control. However, ONE thing we do have complete control over is also one of the most important aspects in determining our overall joy and success in life.
That being WHO we choose to let into our lives.
There has been scientific evidence that proves we become the average of the five people we choose to spend the most time with on a daily basis. We spend SO much time dealing with our own inner critic, don't ya think it would be a great idea to make sure the people we invite into our TRIBE shower us with inspiration, support, kindness, and growth filled experiences. So when it comes to picking new TRIBE members in 2016, CHOOSE WISELY!!
I hope this helps you quiet your ‘inner critic’ and ALLOWS IN the healing love and light that is all around you..................
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
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