Incorporate THE THREE STRIKE RULE To Empower Your Relationships !!

 

How many people do you know that secretly desire to be writers of one form or another?  They have at least ‘one or two’ books in them.  Yet others may even have derived the ‘someday titles’ of these sure to be future best sellers. Yet, weeks, then months, and years pass by them by, and not a single page has been touched with any ink. 

Now, juxtapose this with all the people you know who are seemingly addicted to their EGO FILLED PERSONAL STORIES.  Stuck in a maddening (for them and US) pattern of perpetual rewind and play that consists of the The Best Hits of the loss, fractured relationships, complaining, excuses, problems, and other areas of their lives that just plain stink. Especially when it has gotten to the point where you you have heard the story so often, you can play along in your inner monologue, as if quoting lines from a movie you've seen one too many times!  Sound vaguely familiar?  ;0)

And let me tell ya, more than once I have had my own ‘Best Of’  playing like a 24 hour Christmas marathon of ‘It's A NOT SO Wonderful Life.’  Not so much fun for me or anyone else in earshot of this dysfunctional and insidious record player which is actually keeping us stuck from moving forward in our lives.

Now don't misunderstand me. We ALL need to talk through our problems, pain, and issues. It's a crucial part of the healing process. And being a compassionate and kind listener for others in their times of emotional need can be one of the most powerful gifts we have at our disposal. In fact,  at The University of Santa Monica, one of their favorite mantras was “no healing can begin until the last tear has been shed.” Amen! But sometimes, our little gremlin of an EGO comes into play, and has a pastiche of inventive tricks and mind games that actually desperately desires us to hold on to our past stories through the filter of victimhood to keep us from moving forward and growing back toward the LIGHT.  This is when we can get into some serious patterned problems!

In Eckhart Tolle's phenomenal book ‘A New Earth,’ he says, “A very common role is one of the victim, and the form of attention it seeks from others in the form of pity, sympathy or others' interest in my problems, me and my story.”  Seeing oneself as a victim is an element in many EGOIC patterns, such as complaining, being offended, outraged, and so on. Of course, once I am identified with a story I have assigned myself the role of victim, I don't want it to end. And so, as every therapist knows, the EGO DOES NOT want an end to its problems because they are a part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over again and feel sorry for myself so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life, other people, fate, or God.”

So very often, this addiction we have to our stories is actually a part of our own EGO wanting us to keep playing small. To hold the veil of illusion over our perception making it quite difficult to Re-member Who We Really Are. And to make things more challenging, we then tend to “make up” stories about who we think we really are based on our egoic pattern of not letting our old stories GO!

As Tolle addresses from the same book, “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your THOUGHTS about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is ALWAYS neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation and fact, and here are my thoughts about it.  Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts.  For example, “I am ruined,” is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking action. Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think, to a large extent, creates the emotions that you feel. See the link between your thinking and your emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” Learn it, live it, love it!  The action steps Tolle describes above can make the most profound shifts in perspective.  And can save you from a gi-normous amount of needless pain and emotionally suffering about our STORIES.

Just as important as it is to know when to functionally be in emotional assistance of others in need, it is EQUALLY important to understand when to create healthy boundaries in NOT BECOMING a part of another's dysfunctional story.  Whether we realize it or not, when we allow the people in our lives to carry on with the exact same stories of a STUCK and DYSFUNCTIONAL nature, we actually BECOME a part of them ourselves.  So if I can offer a suggestion that has worked wonders in my relationships, it's called the ‘Three Strike Rule.’ I will allow myself to entertain the same story with someone three times. Hopefully, we can co-create some sort of understanding, uncover an a-ha moment, or self realization about how to move forward during these three chats. 

After that, I compassionately explain that unless some radically NEW information or aspect to the story as been found or created, that I cannot continue in the patterned process as to not become a part of the story myself. It may seem a little harsh, but it is actually a healthy self boundary action AND will help (at least with you) to curb these perpetual stories from being continually talked about in your energetic presence. I will also often offer up my reasoning for this boundary by saying how much I care for the other person and how I would like to assist in helping them from being MIRED in the past so that they can move forward toward the new life that is waiting for them!   Sometimes, we are not even aware just how much we are holding on to the stories we think define us. Try it in your own words and see how it works for you.....   

Let's face it, at the end of the day, what we are all seeking with our stories is to find a sense of PEACE about them, right?! I have a personal knowingness that the real issue is not that our life stories are not a part of our core being, but only when looked at through the proper lens can they help propel us forward in life. When we learn to use the transformative tools of ACCEPTANCE and GRATITUDE as the perspective in which to view our life, our stories no longer are clouded by the dysfunctional poison of the EGO. But rather become the essence from which we can unleash our true power! So I will close with this perfect prose from Tolle's ‘A New Earth’ as he espouses, “Listen to people's stories and they can all be titled ‘Why I Cannot be at Peace Now.’ The Ego doesn't know that your only chance at being at peace is NOW. Or maybe it DOES know and is afraid you will find this out.  Peace, after all, is the end of the EGO.  How to be at peace NOW. By making peace with the present moment.  The present moment is the field on which the game of life happens.  It cannot happen anywhere else.  Once you have made peace with the present moment, see what happens, what you can do, or choose to do, or rather what life does THROUGH you.  There are three words that convey the secret to the art of living.  ONE WITH LIFE.”

BE SUPER HEROIC!

BE LOVE- SERVE ALWAYS - INSPIRE ALL

NERDMASTE,

Jeffrey Louis Martinez