It didn't take much time for my feelings to heighten beyond being 'best buds.' But rather than giving me the key to her heart, I was bestowed with a permanent pass to the dreaded Friend Zone! OUCH!! And that is where I stayed for the next decade. Sure, I dated other young ladies, but as Woody Allen said, "The heart wants what it wants." And mine was no different. So there I patiently stood, on the 'Sidelines of Smittenness' for what seemed like an eternity. On a quick side note, I have since deemed such amorous devotion 'BRAVEHEART LOVE," from the movie of the same name. In which Mel Gibson's character receives the affectionate gesture of a single, handpicked flower from a young girl at his father's burial. Twenty years later, he returns from his Hero's Journey and seeks out the attention of this dainty darling. On their first date, he pulls out the exact same pristine flower, pressed caringly upon a hand made cloth. And in a returned gesture of his alluring affection, gives the flower so gently wrapped and cared for, back to its original owner. And THAT, my fellow New Age Nerds is what Braveheart Love is ALL about! Back to original programming............. ;0)
After college, we remained like 'peas and carrots' in similar Forrest Gump fashion! Over the next few years, I reluctantly shepered her through a few relationships and we made sure to see each other on several occasions. But deep down, I knew that my heart was not benefitting from its captive state, by someone who didn't feel the same pangs for me. Yet, my predicament was made even tougher by the fact she was still my very best friend. And to give up that type of connection in any form is brutal! And so I dug in with all my might. Maybe, just maybe, her feelings would change, I often thought. So I took advantage of every opportunity to meet, in the hopes that cupid's arrow would FINALLY make its mark!
So in the fall of 2002, the San Francisco Giants were playing in the World Series. Our birthdays are exactly 10 days apart in October, during which time baseball's top two teams battle it out for the world championship. Being huge baseball fans, we decided to take advantage of this synchronicity and meet up in San Fran for a weekend of fun-tastic (yeah, it's a word lol) thrills by attending the World Series!
The week leading to the trip up north, my heart raced with anticipation. Could this be it?! The moment where we would connect on another level?! It just seemed like a fairy tail setting and potential true story that could be told for years to come!
I decided on driving the six hours to the 'City by the Bay' and pick her up at the airport. As she stepped through the gates, my heart began to pound! She looked better than ever! Divine timing, I thought. This is going to be perfecto!! Yet, as we drove to the hotel to check in, she began talking about the guy she had just been dating. A Hall of Fame football player no less! No, I am NOT kidding. REALLY?!? How in the hell do I compete with THAT!!
My stomach started to become upset and all my excitement quickly turned to dread. "Get it together, Jeff." I thought. But my mind kept racing with images of her and her beau. It was getting more challenging to stay present by the minute. And we were just at the start of a three day weekend together. This isn't the way it was supposed to go! At least not the way I had played it in my head a thousand times over! I decided the only way to survive the weekend was to go into full on self protection mode.
We cleaned up at the hotel and then went out to dinner. I became emotionally distant, trying my damn best to keep my emotions in check. But as the night progressed, I became ever more challenged with the notion of being in the presence of someone I was in love with, but who saw me through a much different lens. Beyond painful! Utterly gut wrenching!! And it was when we were making our way back to the hotel for the night, when I made a decision. I was going to leave the next morning and head back to LA!
Once at the hotel, we rented a pay per view movie before turning off the lights for the evening. Needless to say, I didn't sleep a wink! How could I?!? In just a few hours, I was going to leave my best friend in the city by herself, on her Birthday weekend! With tickets to the World Series to boot! I shuttered to think about telling her of my plans the next morning. My mind went into full on 'Cray Cray' mode! Playing out every conceivable manner in which this thing was about to go down!
It was then I remembered one of my favorite passages from the book 'Conversations With God.' The quote basically stated to ALWAYS do what is in YOUR best interest. Having FAITH that in doing so, it will also BE the best decision for everyone else involved! Basically, by serving your SELF, you will also BE in service of those around you. I ruminated on that passage until dawn. At which point I gently woke my friend up and told her the truth! I pulled no punches. As you can imagine, it was not received well. To be fair to her, that is quite a jolt to be bombarded with on what was supposed to be the start of a Birthday filled jamboree. Still, I knew deep down in my heart and soul that it was the right thing to do. This 'situation' had been taking a horrible toll on me for years, and it was time to cut the ties. At least for a while.
My friend went to her car as I left to pay the bill for the rest of her hotel stay. She brought back a bevy of birthday gifts and planted them tersely in my arms. I began to cry as I watched her walk away. "What had I just done?!" "Who does that to a friend," I thought! It took just about everything in my emotional tank to make it back to my SUV. Before I started the car's engine, I closed my eyes and said a prayer. I prayed to God that I was putting my full FAITH into that passage from 'Conversations With God.' I was honoring my SELF, and in doing so, it would serve my best friend as much as it did me! Amen!
This was just before cell phones had really come into fashion, so it was just me and my thoughts on the long, six hour drive back down to LA. I tried to concentrate on being proud of myself. For having the strength to actually care for my own emotional well being! After the abandonment of my father as a young child, I had developed a pattern of 'if they need, me they won't leave me.' As well as putting others needs in front of my own. Ask me how well that was working for me?!? Yeah! NOT SO MUCH! LOL
After pulling back into my LA carport, my thoughts moved to what might be on the home answering machine?! I shuttered to think of the possible vitriol she might have left there! And as I entered my apartment, I saw the answering machine light blinking in a rapid fire procession. Oh, boy! Here we go! I pushed the button and started to listen to the several messages on the recorders tape. And while the first few were anger filled rants (again, completely understandable given my actions), the last one was........ a MIRACLE!
After me leaving, my friend found out there was an event dealer ticket exchange right across the street from the hotel. So she decided to sell my tickets. While waiting in line, she was approached by a great looking young man who had spotted her just as he entered the building. My friend was a sports anchor in her city and he instantly recognized her from watching the local news sports casts! They both lived in the same town! She began to tell him the story of what had just occurred, and he was the perfect cure-all! He happened to have tickets to the World Series as well, and told her to sell all the tickets in her possession. He had extra tickets to the game and wanted her to be his guest, RIGHT BEHIND HOME PLATE!! She ended up making a tidy sum selling back her tickets, and had found the perfect 'Heartbreak Hero' to spend her Birthday weekend with! I KID YOU NOT!!
I later found out she had the time of her life that weekend with her new found friend! And she actually sat next to THE Billy Chrystal during the game! Truth, my dear amigos, is truly more far out than fiction, wouldn't ya say?!?!
I know that weekend still holds a myriad of magical filled moments for my friend, and continues to remind me the importance of SELF LOVE and COMPASSION! As for our relationship nearly 20 years later; I can say we are good, supportive friends. She is in a very loving relationship and has built a small empire of a Soul Centered business that reaches millions of children around the world!! Although we do not see each other much, our friendship will be eternally connected through our loving admiration for one another...................
SUPERHEROES IN TRAINING TAKEAWAY
The moral of my story is fairly straightforward, but intrinsically powerful when put into action. We are often told that putting ourselves first is selfish. And while I do not believe in absolutes, this notion of self love being Egotistical does much more harm than good!
The greatest relationship you will EVER have is the one with yourself! Many of us who come from trauma based childhoods, where LOVE was in short supply, if available at all, tend to be the hardest on ourselves. The story called, 'Not Good Enough' is on permanent replay in our heads! So we struggle in search of a balm to heal the hole within our hearts. The LOVE to make us feel whole and wanted. Usually at the cost of our emotional, physical, and spiritual demise!
Please re-member that you can only have with another what you first have with yourself. ALWAYS!! If you ever feel you must prove your worth to someone else, it may be time to rethink the relationship. For YOU ARE PRICELESS!
Developing the SUPER HEROIC HABIT of putting your needs first, not only serves your Highest Good, but also the Highest Good of everyone else in your life! As my story hopefully proves..
And how can it not?! For we are ALL ONE! What you do for yourself, you do for another. And vice versa.
The key is to always make sure that your decisions are rooted in pure intention! With the good of your Super Heroic Higher Self in mind! Actions based in pure Ego, such as greed and elitism, serve nobody but yourself! But when you make a decision that is bathed from the Spirit, it will always SERVE US ALL!!
Be Super Heroic!
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
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