I used to want to save the world. To end war and bring peace to mankind. But then, I glimpsed the darkness that lives within their light. I learned that inside every one of them, there will always be both. The choice each must make for themselves - something no hero will ever defeat. I've touched the darkness that lives in between the light. Seen the worst of this world, and the best. Seen the terrible things men do to each other in the name of hatred, and the lengths they'll go to for love. Now I know. Only love can save this world. So I stay. I fight, and I give... for the world I know can be. This is my mission, now. Forever.
~~~Wonder Woman
My family until recently used to be close as “peas and carrots.” While things weren't always perfect, we knew how to approach one another when the emotionally banging started causing turmoil and/or discord amongst our small familial until. That was until my father's arduous battle with cancer 4 years ago. THAT changed everything. I often heard about the challenges that befall many families who must engage such a challenging time period of caring for and then watching the slow, painful, devastating death of a dearly loved one. It is, to say the least , HELL ON EARTH!! For EVERYONE involved! Those of you reading this who have gone through it are all saying an Amen to That. Trust me! Holy shit, trust me......Without divulging too much personal familial information, let's just say that such pressure and emotional highs and lows cause individuals to engage the day to day battles quite differently. No Right vs. Wrong, more like --my way versus your way-- of making this work that is more comfortable to me. Capiche? And because everyone has a completely different take on the situation and how to handle the monumental barage of decisions that must be made, you can only imagine the possibilities for chaos that can ensue. Each day becomes a nasty version of The Wizard of Oz replete with discord, chaos, and confusion Oh My!!! LOL Hey... sometimes you just have to take a DEEP breathe and just laugh.....
Being the oldest sibling in the family as well as an incredibly sensitive soul by nature, the whole ordeal was in some way a wonderful opportunity for me to deal with my darkest insecurities and challenges, but at times felt like a side show of daily whammo's and gotcha's worthy of any Fun/Scare House! NOT exactly fun for either party.
The interesting thing is that I truly believe that NOBODY CAN MAKE A MISTAKE! A MISSTEP yes, but a true MISTAKE, absolutely not. Why you ask?! Because we act in any given moment with the exact level of experience we have in our tool box at that given point in time. Easier to understand it by saying we are alway doing the very best we can in each and every action we participate in. Based on previous accumulated knowledge and experience up to that exact moment in our lives. It's a hard concept for many of us, but the more you ponder it, the ease of its acceptance lessens into the essence of your BEINGNESS!
There were many times during that three year time period in which I was completely and utterly engulfed with a myriad of TRIGGERS of Gi-normous proportions. My best friend, who is a practicing psychiatrist, calls them GUMPTION traps. I know there was absolutely NO intentional ill will involved in these maladies of emotional trauma, but to me, they created a chasm of pain and suffering on so many different levels it is still sometimes challenging to fully process the intensity they brought! My mom seeming to side with my sister on difficult medical decisions for instance. Usurping me in the process completely even though I had given up a job to help care for my dad during the entire ordeal. Such surprising actions jolting me into mixed states of anger, hurt, and cut into my deep roots of Self Doubt and Worth. Some truly painful shit went down!!
And the more I brought up the discord, the more I was looked at as the preverbal “black sheep” of the family. As though nobody understood my own pain and suffering in this process. But deep down, my pain was completely palpable. It engrained a feeling of LESS THAN as large as any of the Eight Wonders of the World. Especially given the fact I had given up a six figure job to be a primary caretaker for my dad and now felt I was being completely overlooked in many of the daily decisions that needed to be made on my father's behalf. And I LOVED him So much... more than I've ever cared about anyone to this day(I'm still single mind you... ;0)
Again, before I proceed, I want to reiterate that I hold absolutely NO ill will toward anyone in my family for this situation. We were all doing what we felt was in the best interest of my father viewed through our own individual lens of perspective and how we believed our disperate experiences could truly benefit the situation as a whole.
Unfortunately, my father lost his battle with this dreaded disease and succumbed to his cancer in December of 2013. Also just as unfortunately, our familial life strains' continued for several years after his passing. . The sister I use to be so close to has became like a long lost relative that I barely knew. The same with her husband and their son(my godson Aiden). And that became a BRUTAL experience on many fronts as well as my New Norm. It's one thing to lose your father; quite another experience entirely to sever emotional bonds with the rest of your family as the bitter byproduct........
To be fair, those tumultuous times were wonderful opportunities that shone a bright light into the areas of my life that still needed love and healing applied upon them. And for that I am grateful. With the power of Acceptance and Gratitude they became precious gifts that assisted me in grounding my traumatic emotions so that they could be compassionately tended to!
And for the record, YES, I tried having talks with them, but my family is much more comfortable sweeping things under the table, rather than addressing them head-on. And to some degree I can appreciate that. Engaging such painful and complex matters are not easy and the hopes are that a gathering of the minds will not do even more damage to the situation. Especially when all parties involved are in separate stages of processing the events at hand!
So until both sides are ready for such a brave and courageous step, I have devised an alternative measure to help assist you when these TRIGGERS arise in your life. And the great thing is that it can be used for pretty much ANY and EVERY TRIGGER that has been etched in the Book of Blessings! Want to know what my solution is?!? I hoped so... Because it is actually so easy peezy!! I simply call it:
THE WALK AWAY!!!! That's right, it is to sometimes choose to walk away from triggering situations and those that are intertwined with them. I already hear some in the chorus wanting to challenge me that that is easier said than done, or even a cowardly act of defiantly ignoring the triggering event/events straight out. Fair enough! But by walking away, I am not soliciting walking away from the situation entirely. Hell No! What I am suggesting is that you remove yourself from the situation or triggering mechanism(person, place, or thing) to allow your inner being time to reflect it's true nature once again. Until the pain and trauma has had the time to simmer as it finds a manner to reside within you in a more peaceful and tender manner; and without causing the type of emotional blowout \ that may cause the situation to escalate to a place that serves nobody!! And in doing so, the other Spirits involved in the situation are given the dignity of their own process of Acceptance, Healing, Understanding...etc.!! And re-member, represssed feelings/emotions deny us of the spiritual lessons they came to offer us. As we know, our FEELINGS are the guideposts to the Soul. As the band Chicago sings, "Everybody needs a little bit of time away!"
It's also so very important to understand that it is completely OK to temporarily or permanently LOVE someone from the other side of the room. You are STILL loving them, but that does not always mean they need to to be in your close circle of daily energy! Many of us have been radically conditioned to the illusionary and egotistical ills of loving OURSELVES FIRST. Yet, wouldn't you agree that collectively, WE CAN ONLY GIVE TO OTHERS THAT WHICH WE ALREADY HAVE !!!
Plus, I have found that incorporating this practice of LOVING someone from the other side of the room becomes a fruitful litmus test in determining if this individual/s still belongs in your TRIBE! Almost without fail, when I have taken 'A Break' from a previous TRIBE member and later decided to slowly incorporate them back into my life, the results have never led me astray! And it all has to do with HOW YOUR NEW CO-CREATIONS cause you to FEEL!! When the newfound interactions leave me feeling filled with positive, compassionate, Loving energy it is a very concrete Spiritual Signpost to allow their presence back into my life. I'm not saying things are always hunky dory, all relationships bring with them opportunities for growth on both sides of the table.
HOWEVER, when the opposite occurs, and I invite someone back into my life and almost instantly start to feel the same toxic energy from before come roaring back to cause our new attempt at reconciliation to chip away at my healthy sense of Self Love and healthy boundaries, I now LOVINGLY LET THEM GO.......... For many years -too many to count- I found it agonizing to put this act of self service into practice. Instead, I would concoct ALL sorts of semblances to justify them staying put, right smack in the middle of the constant chaos our relationship was manifesting.
THEY REALLY HAD A ROUGH CHILDHOOD. I'M AFRAID OF BEING LONELY. I'LL CONCENTRATE ON THE GOOD TIMES EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER OUTWEIGH THE TOXICITY. IF THEY NEED ME, THEY WON'T LEAVE ME. AND BECAUSE THEY NEED ME ALL THE TIME, IT GIVES ME A SENSE OF PURPOSE..... Any of these strike a chord?!?
I have known some people to find solace in keeping a TRIGGER journal for just such times. It's a fantastic way to write down what triggered you and why. And how you would like to show up to meet that TRIGGER the next time it rears it's nasty head in your life. For our TRIGGER points are really just our emotional bodies way of letting us know where we still need to mend and heal! And once again I would like to remind you as a HERO'S TIP : It is completely OK to love someone from the other side of the room. If you find yourself consistently being triggered by the same person it is completely ok to love that soulful entity from the other side of the room. You are still loving them, just giving yourself some loving space so that you can keep moving with a positive, progressive momentum in your life and in turn, the lives you touch on a daily basis!
Now this might sound like an easy fix all for the complex and many very challenging situations we face, but the fact of the matter is that most of our issues can be summerized from one of my favorite self realized acronym's, that being KISS. Keep It Spiritually Simple!! We tend to completely over think and analyze things when we are on a daily path of self realization when the truth is that keeping things on a very subtle and pragmatic path is the way to reach your own OZ!!
Now this DOES NOT get you off the hook for working on your triggers through self work, therapy, or any other number of means that feel comfortable for your own unique path. It's just that we sometimes feel like we must be able to tackle everything in our lives at once and that is called INSANITY!! Compartmentalizing our issues is a much more manageable manner to address what we need to work on while not driving ourselves crazy in the interim. And when YOU are ready, you can re-address these Triggers and see how they make you FEEL. And that guidance will give your Heart Light a litmus test on where you stand with both the TRIGGERS and those that often accompany them that befall us all at some point.............
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
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