As I have stated several times in previous posts, I made a pact with myself when I started the New Age Nerd that I would use it as a platform to share my own Hero's Journey with the intention of assisting others who may be going through their own set of trials and tribulations. And by being as completely vulnerable as possible, perhaps bring LIGHT to those of you who may feel stuck within the pit of your own DARKNESS. And through the sharing of my own pain and suffering, offer guidance, courage, and hope to spread the knowingness that not only are you not alone in your unique Journey, but help you Re-member that your suffering has meaning. Always and in all ways.....
I'm quite sure that the ardent followers of The New Age Nerd noticed that there was a couple of months in which there were no new posts. I would like to share why that was the case. It took me a few weeks to write this post because I am still somewhat raw from the experience. But by sharing my recent story helps just ONE of you to forge through your own pain and eventually see it as a path toward your power and PURPOSE it will fulfill my desire.
For the past year 18 months, I have been suffering with bouts of depression. The last few years have been incredibly challenging and at times unbearably painful. The highlights- or lowlights- include me having to watch my father slowly die of brain cancer, which in turn caused such stress within our once tight knitted family that I ended up moving with my girlfriend to Baltimore without even sharing with anyone where I had vanished to. Just months after the move, I lost my media sales job and with barely any savings, was evicted from the house I had just leased. The ensuing stress was not exactly easy on the relationship with my girlfriend and we ended up breaking up. She took our dog and moved up to the Boston area leaving me feeling utterly lost, alone, and more than frustrated to say the least.
With no job and very little money, I had no place to go other than a shelter. My only salvation would be to try and reconnect with my family. But I had not spoken with any of them in over a year. But desperation leads to INSPIRATION and I somehow mustered up the courage to pick up the phone and call my mom. Although the conversation started off quite awkwardly, the Love Light between us slowly started to burn through the disconnection of the previous year and with open arms, my mom offered to have me move back in with her until I could get back on my feet. When we hung up the phone, I joyfully wept for the rest of that day. And the tears slowly wiped away my confused heart and shed meaning into the recent set of maladies that had befallen on me. And life becomes so much more joyful the moment we find understanding and meaning lying within our pain and suffering. My mom and I had always had a special relationship. and I knew this was a heaven sent opportunity for us to rekindle our LOVE for one another.
As one might imagine, the process of literally losing everything you have and having to move back in with your family takes a toll on your confidence. Although I was beyond grateful to have the opportunity to have a place to stay, not to mention the gift of reconecting with my immediate family members, the sting from the collective painful events I had endured had taken their toll on me both emotionally and physically.
Two months into the transition of moving back to Virginia, I slowly started to become depressed. Thankfully, the depressive episode was rather short lived. By summer I had even gotten a terrific job that I absolutely loved!! I was coaching clients at nights and on the weekends and each and every day filled me with the BLISS of Spirit's light!
But just as my life started to flourish, another set of unfortunate circumstances brought back the depression from earlier in the year. I decided to take some time off to heal. Unfortunately, I was let go of my job within a week of returning back to work. I had been completely transparent with my boss that I was taking some vacation time to deal with my mental health. But I found out oh so harshly that the STIGMA surrounding mental health and illness is an absolute travesty and causes so many to suffer in isolation for the fear of the repercussions that might befall them should they ask for the help they so desperately need. In fact, looking back, the toll that this stigma had on my own life experience caused me to only band aid my own depression and mental health.
Without any health insurance after losing my job didn't help the situation. Fast forward to late April of this year and having never truly gotten the help I needed, the depression ROARED back and knocked me in ways I had never experienced before. Just getting out of bed felt like running a marathon and most of my days were spent in what felt like pure HELL!!! I completely lost my appetite and lost 15 pounds. Depression has a way of completely distorting reality. It is truly like having cancer of the soul. I had spent months in the hospital years before having my colon removed due to the severe Crohn's disease I have, and even THAT was a piece of cake compared to what I was going through.
And to make matters worse, I had a Gi-normous amount of self judgement for weeks. Here I was supposed to be a life coach and once again my own life seemed to be spiraling out of control. Every day was an endurance in pain and suffering. I knew that if I didn't get the help I needed, and soon, my own life would be in jeopardy. The constant pounding pain was just too much to bare.
After finally securing health insurance, and after having to comb through several Dr's, I FINALLY found a psychiatrist who I connected with and together we started the road toward healing my mind.
Although it took several weeks, I SLOWLY began to feel better. Thank you God!!
I promised myself that I wouldn't rush the healing process this time and took a few months off from anything that didn't serve my process. And that, my New Age Nerd compadres is the reason why my blog went silent for several months.
Now that I am well on my way back to feeling like myself again, I will begin to post to the blog again. And I have decided that from time to time I will infuse posts with INSPIRATION for those of you who may be suffering from any sort of mental illness. That is the meaning I KNOW behind my own suffering and experience with this debilitating illness. It is an absolute disgrace that although 1 out of 4 people will experience a major depressive episode in their lifetime. And although we have made some progress, there is still a shameful STIGMA that surrounds this malady that causes way too many precious souls to suffer in the darkness rather than get the help they need.
For those of you who are currently dealing with any form of depression, anxiety, or other form of mental illness, PLEASE KNOW THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL SHAMEFUL ABOUT!!
And you are NOT alone! So please let this post be a source of INSPIRATION for you to step out of the darkness and back into the LIGHT by asking and getting the help and support you deserve! You are here for a reason and the world needs the gifts you came here to share with all of us.........
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
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