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On an early Spring morning in California circa 1971, a young toddler who absolutely adored his father, waited patiently in his crib for days for his beloved dad to come home. And one morning, he did just that. But he bypassed his only son screaming out for him in his crib. He had OTHER priorities that fateful day. His family had even put out a missing person's report on him, given he went to work earlier that week and simply never returned. His young son watched through his crib's wood rails as he went straight into the room where his mother was sleeping. And he watched as he told her he no longer wanted to be married or tied down with children. He abruptly packed some clothes in an old, scuffed up suitcase and left. As he walked past his young son in the crib, he gave him not even a glance. Just jettisoned out the door and got in his car and left!
This traumatic event had such a powerful impact on this young boy, that he carried it deep within his SOUL for decades, as he tried to understand why he wasn't worth loving. How do I know what he carried around in his fragile heart for so long?!?! Because that young boy ....was me.
My mom told me that after my father left that day, any chance I got, I ran to the big bay window next to the door where I last saw him. And I wouldn't leave. For days upon end, she told me I just plastered my face on the window, expecting and hoping that ONE DAY, he would return. But he never did.
Needless to say, I had major abandonment issues. For decades I lived with the inner monologue “If they NEED me, they won't leave me.” And I got damn good at it too! I mean PHD level stuff in attracting and searching for friends and women who were akin to emotional vampires. I gave them everything I had, and usually got very little in return. So eventually I deemed these relationships as 90/10's. I gave 90 percent, and got 10 percent in return! Believe it or not, through my own self transformational work, I have absolutely NO JUDGEMENT towards any of them. They were playing out their current level of cosmic consciousness, and I was too. I was searching out SOULS that could help me heal the wounds from my past, and sought out energetic matches to try and fill that hole I felt so deeply within.
Somewhere in my hard wiring from so many traumatic childhood events(and there are many others I will share later) I felt an OBSESSION to prove to others in my life that I was worthy of their LOVE, care, respect, and kindness. And as all of us New Age Nerds are now firmly aware, we do not attract what we desire, we attract what we are! And for those so many years, I was sending out a deep level of energy that I was NOT WORTHY of well.....much of anything! And so the Universe was more than happy to serve up a continuous platter of people and experiences to confirm that deep held belief!
And as I am writing this post, I have a distinct feeling that I am FAR from the only person reading this who has felt or even currently feels the EXACT same way that I once did. In fact, I have many clients who I am helping to remove these same false beliefs that have wrecked havoc in their lives and caused them an immense amount of pain and suffering. And there is NO THING wrong about feeling this way due to past trauma and the energetic imprinting that it left left like a tattoo on your heart. What IS IMPORTANT, is that you DO NOT run away from facing these behaviors and patterns. Allow yourself to get dirty and messy within your own process. Sure it hurts! Sometimes unbearably so!! But what we resist persists, and what we allow ourselves to look at, in time, melts away!! I promise you that!
And during this process, please always Re-member that you are NOT BROKEN. No matter what you have been through or what you may have done because of it. The self realization process is simply the process of knocking off and stripping away the dirt and grime that has covered up the truth that lies beneath it. And that truth is that underneath all that GUNK, is a child of GOD, perfect in every way. Born to create miracles here on Earth. For as Marianne Williamson so brilliantly says, “A miracle is simply a shift in perspective from FEAR to LOVE.”
This process, which I like to call the Hero's/Heroine's Journey is what we are ALL here for. Discovering and accepting our pain and suffering, and transforming that wisdom and understanding into our POWER. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, she had the power within in her the whole time! And the absolute fact of the matter is...... SO DO YOU!!
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
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