I'm quite sure I am not alone when I declare that one of biggest pet peeves is UNSOLICITED ADVICE! Isn't it interesting how many 'experts' there are amongst our peers who know EXACTLY how to lose that 10 pounds, or quit smoking?! Or what you "should" or "need" to do in order to manifest that new business, or end that relationship. And how absolutely giving they tend to be with their knowledge, especially when we RARELY ask for it.
While I was studying for a master's degree in Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica, the law regarding this epidemic was laid down the very first day of school. While our class of nearly 300 was mingling about, introducing ourselves to one another for the first time, I noticed one of the program's lead instructors writing something in Gi-normous letters in the middle of the blackboard on the auditorium's stage. Although she was writing in wipe away chalk, it was etched as indelible grace within my mind. She wrote, ‘The Most Damaging Deed One Can Do to Another's Soul, is Give Them Unsolicited Advice’. For many in the class, that spiritual sentiment was worth the price of admission alone! Learn it, Live it...... Spread it!! Please! Spread it!! ;0)
Does this mean that we can't offer past experiences or insight to others with the intent of assisting them during a 'bump' in their personal Journey? Absolutely NOT! However, there are much more caring and impactful ways that we can be of service. Here are THREE suggestions toward not giving anymore UNSOLICITED ADVICE:
1. Determine how you should be showing up
Much of the time, we simply have the desire to be heard in life. Especially those of us in the beautiful world of service. (teacher, coach, care-taker) We tend to immediately rush in with an attempt to fix a situation or try and 'coach' somebody toward their goal. I know I'm super guilty. Perhaps the greatest act of respect you can offer someone is to simply ask them how they would like you to show up in the moment. They may, for instance, just want you to listen. Without saying a word. Now there is a thought!! lol
The next time you catch yourself wanting to pipe in with a soliloquy of unsolicited advice, try simply asking, "How would you like me to show up for you right now?" You may be shocked to see how grateful they become!
2. FIRST, ask if they would be open to a suggestion
One of the reasons giving unsolicited advice can be so hurtful is because most of the time, it comes across as though the way they are currently handling the situation or issue is ‘wrong.’ Nobody wants to feel inadequate, less than, and/or stupid. By humbly asking if they would be ‘open’ to your suggestion, their defenses will typically go down, because it won't feel as though you are directly challenging them.
And let's not kid ourselves. Often times, we are really making something all about US when we extend unsolicited advice.
3. Refrain from using phrases that contain the words ‘Should’, ‘Need’, or ‘Ought’
I hate to break it to you, but as absolutely brilliant as you probably have come to be, you do NOT have anybody else's answers. Don't take offense. Neither did Jesus the Christ.
My point is that the ONLY person who truly knows another person's TRUTH, is that person them-self. You have no idea what anyone else needs or must do. I have found great success by implementing the phrases, "What would it feel like if you.............. or What do you think might happen if you.....". Plus, by not giving specific advice, you don't have to worry about being held responsible by the consequences of your own words!
If you try implementing any of these tips, please let me know your experiences in the comments section below. I would love to hear your thoughts!
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
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