This week I decided to part ways from a potential business relationship after expending a Gi-normous amount of time and energy in the last month with the intention of creating a fruitful partnership. Grrrrrrr animal!! In reflection, there were some RED FLAGS that popped up along this process that tried my faith and patience on more than one occasion. In my past, I tended to be TOO accommodating and ‘overlooked’ these warning signs, most often to my irrevocable dismay. It's one thing to be flexible, yet an entirely different paradigm to think you can withstand being an ‘Emotional Gymnast’, contorting personal feelings, beliefs and convictions into places they were NEVER meant to go! I think a great deal of my overt flexibility stemmed from past trauma. And as a result, not feeling I was worthy of the type of respect, love, and honesty I deserved. And that if I didn't acquiesce to the manner of others engagements with me, no matter how painful, that they might not stick around. But are people who don't commit to meeting you halfway in your co-creations, and acknowledging your feelings in the process, worthy of KEEPING in your tribe. Can I get a HELL NO up in this congregation! ;0)
These recent events reminded me of a fantastic story an old friend in Los Angeles shared with me many moons ago. It was still in my period of struggle to regain my sense of SELF and I was allowing another young lady to treat me in a fashion that was causing me a tremendous amount of pain and confusion. And.....RED....FLAGS....GALORE. This friend invited me over to her house for dinner, and given her at times brazen nature (she was a stuntwoman for goodness sake) I had prepared myself for an evening of tough love about this relationship. Instead, I received several courses of culinary tasty treats, and an indelible memory from her childhood that still stands as a powerful testament for anyone who deals with the red flags that pop up in life. And I think that just about includes....EVERYONE!
She told me that she grew up in a suburb of Chicago. The back of her childhood home was part of a twice yearly parade route. A week prior to each parade, county workmen would erect huge red flags to denote the path of the coming procession. Her eyes widened and lit up while she recalled her memories of the parades from her past; how much fun and excitement they brought to her community. A Hollywood playground come to life, and many a child's dream! However, when her parents decided to move into a newer community, these memories caused her some opportunities for reframing about the TRUE meaning of what a red flag is in the context of our emotional lives.
After the move, whenever she heard the mention of ‘that's a red flag’, she took it as a meaning that A PARADE IS COMING. When a girlfriend suggested, “That boy is nothing but a red flag”, she believed it to be a sign that good things from him were on their way. Brings to mind screenwriter Geoffrey S. Fletcher's saying, “I'm most interested in how innocence fares when it collides with hard reality.” Fo sho!
After several more sweetly anecdotal stories of her adolescent journey toward the understanding of red flags, as well as more glasses of red wine, she started to laugh. UPROARIOUSLY! And then so did I!! “Red Flags DO NOT mean a parade is coming,” we sang together. Brilliant, and poignant, and powerful.....
Thank you for sharing your TRUTH and vulnerability with me D! And please still know, it did not go on deaf ears. I am still learning how to make sure I am honoring my responsibility in all co-creations. And you know what, it isn't always easy. There IS a place for healthy flexibility with ourselves and others. We all have bad days, make mistakes, and sometimes don't show up as our highest selves. And that is OK. I still don't believe it's in anyone's highest good to base their decisions on singular experiences. But, heed D's realization my friends. When red flags show up repeatedly in life, IT DOES NOT MEAN A PARADE IS ON ITS WAY!!
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
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