One of the most common issues I am confronted with by my clients is the manner in which they are BEING treated by others. Be it their spouse, co-workers, family members, or friends, it certainly seems to be an EPIC problem. And it's completely understandable. We all would like to be treated with respect, kindness, and love. As Oprah has stated over and over again; the ONE common trait she has found on her Journey meeting with people from all over the world is their DESIRE to be seen and heard with dignity and respect.
But before we jump into the discussion of how others are treating you, it is absolutely vital to acknowledge how YOU are treating YOU. When was the last time you spent quality time checking in with yourSELF? On such important topics such as your core values, beliefs, and feelings; especially with regards to how you are using these emotions as they relate toward your own sense of SELF worth. Would you agree that it is quite challenging to ask others to treat you in a manner that you don't even treat yourSELF? I would say HECK YES!
Here are a few important questions you can ask yourself. What is your Code of Conduct system? Do you even have one? What is your ideal vision for a true Co-Creational relationship? What are your boundaries regarding the way you desire to be treated? Do you have a defined value system for yourSELF? What does respect mean to you?
I know all to well from my own personal experiences how damaging "NOT" having answers to these questions can be for our interpersonal relationships. The reason being is "WE TEACH OTHERS HOW WE WANT TO BE TREATED." Re-read that last sentence. It will be one of the most important tenets to your happiness and success in your lifetime!
My birth father abandoned our family when I was just 3 years of age. And the long lasting affect it had on my psyche was devastating. I consequently grew up being absolutely terrified that if I stood up for myself in situations that I knew were not being respectful of my feelings, the person might leave. So by my actions of NOT saying anything, I was actually teaching people it was A-OK to treat me in such hurtful and disrespectful manners. And it took me a long time to gain the sense of self LOVE to re-teach others how I desired to be treated. Lemme say it was FAR from easy to do so. Once people get accustomed to treating you in a certain manner, trying to undue this behavior can cause some friction to say the least! It can actually send a shock to their system as the "mask" they are accustomed to engaging has suddenly morphed into a higher vibrational state.
In fact, it took me into my 30's to truly redefine my own sense of "Core Conduct" and develop a deep rooted and ultra degree of SELF LOVE. The type that compassionately sets the tone with others. And what a difference did it make! I now make it very clear to my personal Tribe members what I desire in our co-creations and make DAMN sure I do my part in returning the same sense of love, respect, and kindness I seek for myself!
Plus, by way of the Universal Law of Attraction, we actually attract people who are going to treat us EXACTLY how we treat ourSELVES. Haven't you been witness to many a friend who continues to attract the same "wolf in sheep's clothing" in their personal relationships?! It's because like attracts like. I love the saying “Likes tend to last!” And they DO. No doubt about it!
And here is something else that is so vital to remember when you DO attract "emotional vampires" into your life. They are actually providing you with a wonderful gift. They are shining a light on the areas within YOU that still need LOVE and attention. That's right! They are showing you where healing still needs to be done. That doesn't mean we need to keep them in our life forever. But instead of reacting outwardly toward them in a non compassionate manner, thank them internally for the gift they came to give you. Then realize it is perfectly OK to love them from the other side of the room if their behavior does not harmonize with your preferential forms of treatment.
Another important thing to remember is that people are not mind readers. One tweak that has created miracles in my personal relationships is actually sharing with others how I need them show up for me in certain situations. Most individuals tend to go into ‘fix it mode’ when we come to them with our problems. When very often, all we need is for them to listen. But we rarely share this information with them. So I urge you to start implementing this technique into your relationships and see the MIRACLES that start to manifest!
The last suggestion I will impart on this topic has to do with conflict resolution skills. Sophia Nelson, a writer for the Huffington Post said it brilliantly, “This is critical — you must surround yourself with people again who have a similar code. I like to TALK things out. I think it is essential to talk before you walk. No matter how uncomfortable, or challenging, at some point mature adults have to talk about their differences and seek to resolve them peaceably in ways that make us better, wiser people. I detest (and I mean detest) people who do wrong things and cannot own their mistakes, apologize and grow up. I do not suffer people lightly who cause drama, then exit out, leaving others to clean up their mess or to have other left holding the emotional baggage of the wounds they have caused. Find out how people resolve conflicts before you get attached to them or in business dealings with them.”
SUPERHEROES IN TRAINING TAKEAWAYS:
While I was studying Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica, our professors were fervent in their declaration that at a core spiritual level ‘nobody can DO anything to you.’ (They were referencing your emotional disposition) If you become triggered by the way someone engages you, they are actually showing you an area in your own heart that still needs to be tended to; an area where LOVE, care, and compassion can be applied to assist in healing a prior wound/trauma. The fact that you were painfully triggered is proof positive that there is still work to do around that pain point. And to a certain extent, I think there is a great deal of value in transcending certain painful engagements using this paradigm. So I have learned to be hyper vigilant when being emotionally triggered as a guidepost for my self actualization "TO DO" list!
However, since us New Age Nerds practice "GROUNDED SPIRITUALITY", one of our tenets is NOT to vibrate in states that are absolute. And so why I accept the understanding that others toxic behavior can often assist us in uncovering areas of growth that still need attention, I also believe that there are times when we must constructively engage this energy and the individuals in our lives who deliver it. ESPECIALLY for those of us who are teachers, healers, coaches, and artists. Our greatest strength and gifts come imbued within our extreme sensitivity and we must be especially vigilant in our own well being and self preservation.
So here are some TIPS for how to handle the people who challenge our emotional sensibilities with their vibrational offerings. All so that we can continue on our Hero's/Heroine's Journey with more peaceful grace:
1. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Believe it or not, we actually teach people how we want to be treated with each and every interaction with them. In fairness to them, until we compassionately communicate how their "antics" affect our emotional well being, they may have NO idea. So the very FIRST time that someone behaves in a manner that makes you shrink, feel less than, or is hurtful in some way, it is so important to tell them how you feel. I know, I know! Easier said than done. I get it! But what is the more productive manner. To have that potentially sticky and awkward conversation, or to say nothing and have to deal with these hurtful behaviors over and over again.
2. TAKE INVENTORY OF WHO IS CREATING TOXIC ENERGY IN YOUR LIFE
We often allow certain toxic relationships in our life to continue because we have become conditioned that the dynamic of co-creation with them is commonplace. The negative space created becomes our ‘NORM.’ This is why it is Gi-normously important to take stock of how we FEEL after spending time with the people in our lives. And I am not referring to
"ONE OFFS." Life is messy and complex, and we all have certain times where, well, shit just happens. Having a couple of co-creational experiences with someone where we feel emotionally drained or challenged afterwards is natural and an organic part of human interaction. But, if you discern that most of the time having a co-creation with someone results in you feeling unheard, less than, manipulated, or just plain tired, it may be time to do something about it. Just sayin' and prayin'. ;0)
3. IT'S OK TO LOVE SOME PEOPLE FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM
After taking inventory of the people in our lives, we are often left with a SELF empowering decision. Are there some people who you have compassionately and with great understanding decided to remove from your life. Not because you were placing judgement of ANY kind upon them. But rather because the cumulative affect they were having on your emotional well being was just too catabolic. Perhaps they didn't hold you in the same reverential light that you hold yourself. Or they were trying to keep you playing small, so they wouldn't feel as bad about not playing LARGE themselves.
What would it look like to start loving them "from the other side of the room?’" Did you notice I said LOVE them from the other side of the room?! That's the secret sauce in this action of self LOVE.
You are not banishing them to the "Phantom Zone." And you are still holding them in a complete space of reverence and care. You have just decided that having their direct energy in your life is not serving you anymore. Hopefully, this KNOWINGNESS will help remove any sense of guilt you may have by your decision.
4. START THE HABIT OF SOARING WITH THE EAGLES
Loss can be a scary and oh so very lonely place to be. There will be a time when you have left your place among the crows (eagles in training) to fly with the eagles. And during that flight, there will be moments in which you can see nothing but the clouds. Please DO NOT give up faith during this critical time. Lean on whatever support system you may have. It can become quite natural to want to turn back to what is familiar. As the proverbial saying goes, "the devil you know feels safer than the devil that you don't." We are familiar and quite comfortable with what currently IS. But life truly begins at the end of your comfort zone. SO I SUGGEST YOU DO NOT DO THAT! The Universe abhors a vacuum and it is part of its natural law to eventually flood your existence to FILL IN the space you created by letting go of the people in your life who are no longer serving your highest good. Have deep FAITH that your new Tribe members are already on their way!
BE SUPER HEROIC!
LOVE-SERVE-INSPIRE
Nerdmaste,
Jeffrey Louis Martinez
